pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
