too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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