Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
