Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
