wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
