he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
why does every cop we meet know your name?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
