you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
