he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
