Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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