god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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