We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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