I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
