I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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