I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
