So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
