I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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