I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
