Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Found the puke drawer
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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