you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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