what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
