I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
