If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
