I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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