i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
