Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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