Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
