Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize