We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I need moral support for this bender
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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