But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
