Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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