I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize