How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
