I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
