we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
