Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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