its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You are the jesus of drinking
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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