you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
