Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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