I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
