someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
