what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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