so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
