so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She bit a glass in half.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize