walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I AM VODKA MAN
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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