there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
