Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
