If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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