would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
