Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
