Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You left your phone here
Wait...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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