During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
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