Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
