im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
