I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
