i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
