i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
