life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
