wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
