Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
