Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
